My First Blog Post

January 15, 2021

This blog is the beginning of anything I want.

Since it’s the beginning, I’ve decided to make it my worst possible post so that my first post will exist. The worst of my writing will more often than not come from stream of consciousness writing, which is the method I have chosen here (though, I am sure I can do worse at times when I’m trying).

With the world in lockdown and it being the dead of winter, I find myself falling more and more into the trap of just existing. There is not much to do each day, so I just follow my routine until the day is over and I can curl up in my bed and read about worlds and lives that are not mine. I exist during the day and escape during the night. The danger with existing, however, is that the longer you live life to just exist, the more you forget about the time you spent existing. Do the same thing every day and it makes it harder to remember a single one of those days. Do something different and all of a sudden the day is memorable. Life is full of paradoxes.

Since we all have to stay inside where the occasional ray of winter sunshine barely makes it through the window, I have to learn to make my days memorable while I am alone. I have to learn to be comfortable with myself. I never found being alone such an issue before now.

My days were full of rushing around before the pandemic hit. Go to the next class. Go to the next event. Go to the next interview. Rush, rush, rush. You’re running out of time! I never took even a second to sit down and think about what I was doing it for. I never even considered if I wanted to do it. Before the pandemic, I just did things quickly, because that’s what other people did.

But now that I don’t have those people around me anymore, it’s just me hanging out with myself — a stranger. Without all of the distractions, I’ve been able to take a closer look at where my life is headed. I looked to the future and saw the career and life that I was working so diligently for. I stared at it. It made me disappointed. It looked suffocating to be quite honest. Then I looked backwards, to the past. Years and years of hard work. Going through the system. Striving to be the best without knowing what it was for. I realize now that I can’t really think of a dream I have actively worked towards that was 100% my own. Growing up, I had tons of hobbies, but they all washed away as I started working towards a “real” career.

However, this blog is 100% my own. This is my corner of the internet where I will put out some of my thoughts, ideas, and findings into the world. It’s a part of my contribution to society that comes entirely out of my own free will and desire.

To whoever is reading this on the other side of the screen, I hope that you too have something that is 100% your own. Something that no one expected of you.

It feels great to finally call something mine.

✍️ Written by Lena Nguyen. Check out my Medium for more!